1.) "Don't worry. You'll find a better man (or woman)!" That's what everyone said to me after my first divorce. But that isn’t exactly what happened. I ended up in my second marriage with an alcoholic, severely ADD, violent, narcissistic sociopath! A better thing to say, for example, would be, "I'm sorry things didn't work out for you. He obviously wasn't the right person for you. At some point, if you want someone in your life, I'm sure you will meet a really nice person. And if that isn't the direction you want to go, you have lots of good friends who are here to support you." Defining "better" leads you to believe that you didn't make a wise choice in the first place, which I obviously didn't (LOL!). That comment also implies that you "have to have a man/woman in your life to be whole."
2.) Or another is, "Everything will be alright." No one has a way to know if everything will be alright, and you certainly don't want to hear that from someone who simply doesn't know. For some people going through divorce, things couldn't be worse. A better thing to say would be, "I haven't been through this journey myself, and I'm sure it's going to be difficult. But please know that I'm here for you in any way I can help, and you can always feel free to lean on me."
3.) Or, "I know how you feel." Hmm... if they've been through a divorce, they may have "a" understanding. But unless they were married to the person described above, they have no idea what my experience was like. My husband, for example, broke my nose and was removed from our home two days after I filed for divorce with an Order for Protection. So unless someone has experienced that, they really don't know how you feel. A better response would be, "I think of you often, Christine, and even hold you in my prayers. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here to listen."
4.) “I never liked him/her anyway.” Knowing that one of your best friends or family members didn’t like your spouse from the get-go is not comforting. The big question here is, why didn’t you say something during our marriage? Perhaps your feelings might have been a clue that there was something wrong to begin with. A kinder way of letting someone know you didn’t care for their spouse would be to say, “There seemed to be some differences, and I’m sure that is one of the reasons you left/they left.” Or even better would be: “It was painful for me to watch how you were treated during your marriage, and I worried about you as I saw you disappear during that time.” Another? “It was hard for me to like him/her because of the way he/she treated you.”
5.) “I had heard rumors that he/she was ________________________(fill in the blank) cheating, drinking too much, gambling, etc.”. There are lots of debates over whether or not a good friend should tell another things that are circulating about their spouse. In the end, honesty is the best policy. Try to brooch the subject with words such as, “I’m one of your best friends. And what I have to say to you may be difficult for you to hear. I don’t know if it is true, but I’m just letting you know what I’m hearing about your spouse.” Then let them make the decision if they want to take any action regarding the “rumors.” It’s more difficult to think that a good friend or family member knew information before you did and never told you than it is to hear something that you can investigate.
6.) “Take him/her for all he/she is worth!” Anyone who has been through or is facing divorce knows that divorce doesn’t come cheap. Time is money in the divorce “industry”, and you would be better off sitting down with a good financial planner, and perhaps a mediator to figure out, “What do I need to survive, and then thrive?” No one needs to take their spouse to the cleaner. Children may be involved, and college educations may be in your family’s future. And the harder you fight the battle, the more money you both lose… to attorneys. Be reasonable.
7.) I never knew what you saw in him/her anyway. You were much _________________ (fill in the blank) prettier/handsome, smarter, more talented, etc. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Telling someone that the person they were married to was not attractive to them doesn’t mean that you didn’t think he/she was the most handsome man/beautiful woman in the world. Instead, saying something like, “You are such a beautiful woman. I’m confident you’ll meet another person who is just attractive as you.”
8.) The divorce was your fault, you know. You were _____________________ (fill in the blank) never home, always out with your friends, living your own life, etc. Divorce is never the fault of one person. It takes two in a marriage. Putting blame on someone is harmful and shameful. Saying “I know it takes two to make a marriage. You don’t have to share with me, if you’re not comfortable, why the marriage fell apart, but I wish you both happiness.”
9.) You need to get out there and start dating again! No, I don’t. Maybe you need time to work on what you feel your role was in the demise of the marriage. Maybe youI need to spend time building trust. Maybe you need to spend time with your girlfriends/boyfriends. If and when you decide you want to start dating again, you will let your friends know. In the meantime, offer to go out with the divorcee and go to movies, bowling, dinner, etc. Having company and friends to support you is extremely important.
10,) Don’t worry, the kids will survive. Kids are so resilient! If children are involved, this could be your biggest worry. You have turned their lives upside down. This comment may come across as flippant, like “Ah, kids adjust. They’ll be OK.” Yet at the time, you can’t imagine that their lives will be unaffected. Instead, say something like, “I know how hard this must be on your children. If I can help you in any way by driving them to scouts/sports/appointments, let me know. I care so much about you, and your kids are important to me, too.”
So, what is the one thing you should always say to someone going through divorce?
Don’t forget to laugh! ™ It may feel like you will never laugh again. But you will… when you’re ready. Humor comes to people in lots of different forms and timing is a very individual thing. A nice way to introduce humor into the life of a divorcee would be to say, “When you are ready, I would love to take you to this funny movie/play/production or I have this very funny book for you, if you feel you are up to reading something with humor in it. One day, you will laugh again.”
Christine K. Clifford, CSP, is CEO/President of Divorcing Divas, The Cancer Club and Christine Clifford Enterprises. She speaks on sales, marketing, product development and the use of humor to get through life’s adversities. She can be reached at www.DivorcingDivas.net, www.ChristineClifford.com or www.cancerclub.com. (612)720-4974 or email her at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . Remember: It’s not the end… it’s the beginning.
